Tag: self-esteem

I Got Mentioned in the “Loving BDSM” Podcast

 

My Fucking Day Job keeps me pretty busy physically, but not mentally. Consequently, I have long and boring periods of time where I don’t have the opportunity to read, but I am perfectly able to entertain myself by listening to audiobooks and podcasts. I try to use this as an opportunity not just to be amused, but also to further my education on my craft, as well as the world in general. I listen to classic novels, in order to study the great writers. I listen to many modern novels for the same reason. I listen to non-fiction audiobooks on subjects that I think might help me strengthen my key weaknesses as an independent writer: self-promotion and sales. I also listen to a lot of stuff just for ideas, and to broaden my knowledge of the world in general, as well as my knowledge of more specific areas of expertise that can come up in my writing.

One of the podcasts that I am subscribed to is the “Loving BDSM” podcast, by Kayla Lords and John Brownstone. Kayla is, in her own words, “a masochistic babygirl,” and John Brownstone is her Daddy Dom. Their podcast is about BDSM relationships, but is less geared toward the technical details of mechanics and biology, and is more focused on how to form and maintain strong, safe, and loving (if desired) relationships in the context of BDSM and the BDSM community.

I stumbled onto their podcast while searching for more information on BDSM relationships, because I’ve written some BDSM stuff in the past, and plan to write more in the future. Their podcast was useful in this regard, but I also quickly became charmed by the couple themselves, and have become quite a fan.

The Loving BDSM Podcast has a Bonus Section at the end of each episode, where they engage in general chitchat, discuss tangents that didn’t make it into the episode, provide updates about their lives, and so forth. Another thing they do in the Bonus Section is to discuss the postcards that they get from their fans.

I toyed with the idea of sending them a postcard, because I thought it would be nice to hear my own name mentioned in one of their episodes. I got the idea at some point that instead of mailing them a local postcard, I’d try to have a postcard made off of the cover of one of my books. I considered doing this with “Letting Go,” the romantic BDSM novel that I co-wrote with Kelli Roberts, but eventually settled on my story “Satisfied By A Stegosaurus,” because I love that cover in particular, and I thought they’d get a kick out of it.

Then I procrastinated for a long while, and recently decided that it would be simpler to just mail them a physical copy of the book, because it’s one of my stories that is long enough to work with Amazon’s print-on-demand publishing feature. So I mailed them a copy of the book, along with a note thanking them for their podcast.

Then I waited almost a full week to see if they mentioned me on their podcast.
AND THEY DID!!!!

More than just a quick “ we got this thing from Richard Bacula,” they spent a bit of time discussing the book, and Kayla read the back of the book for her listeners. I knew that it’d feel good to hear myself mentioned, but I was surprised at how over-the-top happy it made me!!

It’s a small thing, but it’s one of those things that makes me feel like a real writer. Thanks to working with Kelli Roberts on “Letting Go,” I’ve seen my name in a couple prominent places before. We got a press release on the AVN (Adult Video News) website when the book came out, and a couple of years ago the novel got a mention in Women’s Health Magazine as a way for couples to spice up their love life (i.e., read this book it will make you both horny), and while those were each certainly an absolute blast to see… this mention in a podcast with a much smaller audience than AVN or Women’s Health gave me as big of a thrill, perhaps more.

It’s one thing to see your name in print somewhere, and it’s another thing to hear it, and to hear people talking about your book. Hearing it makes it all seem more real somehow. I wrote a thing. I self-published it. I got a physical copy of the book. I mailed that copy to a couple of strangers. And They Talked About It!!

So I’m in a good mood.

This is the kind of success that is in some ways more important than direct sales, because morale is often at least as important than money when it comes to writing, at least for me.

 

Anyway, if you want to hear what they had to say about my book, you can listen to the entire episode here:
What You Can and Can’t Say in a D/s Relationship LB130

 

(Or just skip to about 59:47, if you just want to hear the part where they talk about me!)

Why He Thinks You’re Pretty

You know you’ve wondered.

You’ve probably also worried about it. You might might not think that you’re an utter beast, and you might think that you’re fairly good looking in certain light from the right angles, with the right clothes and the right makeup. You might be confident in your looks sometimes, but at other times you get those doubts, and you don’t understand how he can think that you’re pretty when you’re… just you.

Doesn’t he see your flaws?

Doesn’t he know what you look like when you’re not at your best?

You sometimes feel like an imposter, like maybe when he looks at you he’s seeing somebody else.

And he is.

I mean, he’s still seeing you, but it’s not the same you that lives in your mirror. He’s seeing a you that you’ve never seen before, because he’s looking at you entirely from the outside, without your familiarity, preconceptions, or your doubts. Beauty is a matter of perspective, and his perspective is different from yours.

You’ve had your entire life to look at your own body, and your perspective has been shaped by what you’ve seen. You know that perhaps you used to be thinner. You know that maybe things didn’t develop the way you expected. You look at yourself, and you see everything that you think you should be, and everything that you think you have been, and there’s this whole long history attached to how you view yourself. A history that he doesn’t have.

He has his own history, his own attachments, and his own standards of beauty.

Yes, sure, the beauty standards of the majority of people fall by definition within the mainstream. He probably likes those stunning models and pornstars, probably lusts after them and fantasizes. There are various features that are fairly universally attractive. Yet everybody within the mainstream still has their own personal tastes, their own ideas of what beauty is. Mainstream beauty is Vanilla ice cream. It’s Bud Light. It’s the generic middle of a much, much larger zone of tastes, and it’s the most universally popular in many ways because it’s generic.

The only way to have universal appeal is to be middle-of-the-road in all categories. The more that any physical feature stands out from the crowd, the more divisive it becomes, because tastes vary. Some guys like big breasts, but some don’t. Some like big butts, but some don’t. Some like thin waists, but some don’t. Some like big noses, but some don’t.

And the reverse is also true: for most every feature that many people don’t like, there are people out there who do like it.

There are many reasons for this, but the biggest reason is simply because our individual ideas of beauty are heavily based in lifelong Pavlovian responses to what we experience. When people are good to us as children, we often imprint on their physical features as representing that goodness.

We are often attracted to people who remind us in some way of our parents, simply because our parents are our models for what people “should” look like. Perhaps your eyes remind him of his mother’s eyes, for example.

We are often also attracted to people who remind us of other people we’ve been attracted to. Perhaps your smile reminds you on some level of his first crush.
But mostly–and increasingly over time–your features remind him of you, of all the things that he likes best about you.

The longer you’re with him, the more he associates your appearance with those good and unique things that you provide for him. Your smile reminds him of all the times he’s made you laugh, and of the way your face lights up when you see him. Your hair reminds him of all the times he’s run his fingers through it during intimate moments. Your eyes remind him of the way you look at him, the way they flash when you’re angry, and so on.

When you look at yourself, what stands out are your imperfections, because anything that makes you stand out as different can (and will be, and has been) used against you by somebody or by the world in general. You see these differences, and they appear ugly to you.

When he looks at you, he’s seeing the best features, the things that he likes about you. Any features that he actually doesn’t like are going to be ignored in favor of the features that he finds pleasing.

More importantly, those same traits that you dislike about yourself because they make you different from other women? He’s likely to like them, because they make you different from other women. It’s the traits that are most uniquely yours that make you stand out, and those are the ones that he’ll most strongly associate with you.

And because he loves you, he’ll tend to love the things that he associates with you, including physical features.