The situation is this: I’ve embarked on a May Challenge where I write a new Blog post every day, it’s Friday, I’m fried, all I’ve had to eat today is half a bag of pork rinds, and as SOON as I got home I drank the 10 oz of dry red wine (burgundy) that my new diet allows me.
THEN I remembered that I have to write a blog post.
But, fuck it!*
(*Not to be confused with “Butt-Fuck It!”, although sure, that too)
The very first post on my GoodReads blog was basically me drunk on Jager, typing whatever came to mind, so I’ll just pretend that this post is responsible, or thematic, or whatever.
I do tend to drink a lot, more than I should. So this diet (the Slow Carb diet, from the book “The 4-Hour Body”) is both kind of a strain, and probably a good idea for me. I mean, I might joke, but I don’t think I’m actually an alcoholic or anything, just more of a heavy drinker. I got diagnosed with a fatty liver a while back, and that could either have been because I’m just kind of a fatty in general, or because of heavy alcohol abuse.
I wasn’t sure which, so I took the next seven weeks off from drinking, and I didn’t have any real problem doing so. I mean, things were less fun, and I had to lean on other medications to get to sleep at night, but I didn’t get shakes or serious cravings, or anything like that. Also, they say that the measuring stick for alcoholism is whether or not you’re able to have just a drink or two, or if once you start drinking you have to keep drinking until you pass out or run out of alcohol. While the latter is fun, I’m perfectly capable of sticking to the 10 oz of wine that my diet allows me. Okay, some days I’ve done 3 oz of vodka insteads. The point is, it’s not enough usually to get me tipsy or drunk. Unless I’ve gone a whole day without eating anything–then it’s pretty darned pleasant.
I tell people that I drink to relax, and that’s true, but it’s not true the way that most people mean it. Like, a lot of people can have a beer or two, or a glass of wine or two, and be “relaxed,” but me… I like more than that.
See, there’s this point with alcohol where enough kicks in that my thoughts slow down, most of my emotions just go to sleep, and I can feel something inside me not just relax , butunclench . There’s this point where enough of my brain lies dormant, and I can become stupid enough to Just. Be. Happy.
If you don’t get where I’m coming from–if you’ve never experienced this delirious, temporary alcohol-induced bliss–this might be a good time to explain that I have significant levels of both depression and anxiety. I can’t speak for everybody, but part of my personal barrier to happiness is simply thinking too much. It’s nice to be able to temporarily kill off large portions of my brain. More than “nice,” actually, it’s a relief , a physical and mental relief that has on many more than one occasion had me thinking (or saying aloud) the word “Oh, thank GOD! I’m drunk !”
That’s the best and funnest part of drinking, reaching that point. More often, I don’t get there. This is in part because that sense of nigh-orgasmic intoxication often comes with some form of hangover, and that would interfere with my Fucking Day Job. It’s also because alcohol costs money. It’s also because I tend to be paranoid about my own bad habits, warily watching them lest they run out of control.
Usually, I drink for just a bit of fun, and to shut my mind up enough that I can go to sleep. Insomnia is another problem that I have, and when I don’t treat it with alcohol, I treat it with over-the-counter meds. I’ve tried prescription meds, but none have seemed to work very well for very long. Ambien, for example, worked for about a week. After that, it was only good for 4 hours.
Anyway, I’m almost completely sober now. It’s taken me less than an hour to write this, and already I’m almost completely sober. Shame. I was hoping for more of a result than that. The nice thing though, is that tomorrow is my Cheat Day, where I can eat and drink as much as I want to. This starts at Midnight, so tonight if my insomnia boots me awake at any time after midnight, I can drink myself back to sleep.
I should probably edit this post, yadda yadda yadda, but I’m going to play it as it lies, and just post it. It’s not my best blog post, but it’s kind of personal, so maybe people will find it interesting or entertaining. If you read this far, and you got anything from this rambling, let me know. If you’ve read this far, and you think it was a waste of your time, definitely let me know that. Feedback of any kind can help me produce better stuff in the future.
For now, I’m going to pop a diphenhydramine tablet, watch some TV and hopefully get to sleep in a bit.